MY WEIGHT IN FAT!!!

I am prepared to offer the High Bidder on this item, my ENTIRE WEIGHT IN FAT!!!

That's Right!!!
You heard me!!!

For every pound that I weigh, I will give the lucky bidder ONE POUND of my FAT!!!

If, for instance, I were to weigh 235 pounds, the High Bidder on this valuable item would receive 235 Pounds of my Fat!!!

I know this deal sounds too good to be true!!
Believe me!
It can not be never not negative isn't!!!

Why wait for the Holidays to start Gaining weight!?!?
Hurry now and simply BUY mine!!!!

Remember: For every pound that I weigh, I will give you that pound in pure FAT!!!

Asking Price:  The will to exercise.

Current Bid:   My weight in Urine.

High Bidder:   Joe the one on Paxil

Date of Bid:   December 8, 2000 at 18:24:16

Make an Offer!

Discovered recently in the Nurses Lounge, this Smoke is guaranteed to be HOLY!!!

If it weren't, why would Nurse Butler yell "Holy Smoke!" when I entered the lounge!?!?

Certainly not because I was naked after losing my clothes in the shower-room!!
Certainly not because I was crawling on the floor like a Lobster!!!
Certainly not because I was rubbing against the carpet in an attempt to dry myself!!!!

No!!! It was certainly NOT for any of THOSE reasons!!!

Nurse Randall yelled out "Holy Smoke" to let me to know that this smoke was HOLY!!

She obviously wanted me to "Go Forth" and "Spread the word" of this Holy Smoke
by selling it to the Highest Holy Bidder!!!

It is not my Place to question this Divine Intervention!!!

It is merely my Place to SELL it for a Big Fat Profit!!!

Asking Price:  One Holy Towel and a pair of Holy Pants.

Current Bid:   Pants with holes in them.

High Bidder:   chris

Date of Bid:   December 8, 2000 at 08:06:50

Make an Offer!

Slappy has been the Undisputed RULER of the FLOOR since his Conquest of 1856!!!

"HAIL BE TO SLAPPY!!! THE FLOOR IS HIS DOMAIN!!!"

Slappy RULES the FLOOR with an IRON FIST!!!

"HAIL BE TO SLAPPY!!! HIS FIST IS MADE OF IRON!!!"

Slappy will "Slap you one" if you touch the FLOOR without his permission!!

"HAIL BE TO SLAPPY!!! HE HURTS US WITH HIS LOVE!!!"

Other then that, Slappy is a Kind and Benevolent leader!

"HAIL BE TO SLAPPY!!! KIND AND BENEVOLENT SLAPPY!!!"

Just don't touch the FLOOR without his permission!
This is all Slappy asks!!!

HAIL BE TO SLAPPY!!! HE GIVES SO MUCH AND ASKS SO LITTLE!!!

If you are the type of person that needs to use the FLOOR from time to time,
then why not buy "Slappy: Ruler of the Floor" from me!?!?

I can't think of a better way to avoid being "SLAPPED"!!!

"HAIL BE TO SLAPPY!!! SOMEONE PLEASE BUY SLAPPY!!!"

Asking Price:  An Ointment to ease the pain of Slappy Slaps.

Current Bid:   A wooden flying carpet made from leather!!!

High Bidder:  Rajah

Date of Bid:   December 6, 2000 at 06:28:34

Make an Offer!

  (Let the record show that these are Exhibit "A" and Exhibit "B"!)

BEHOLD!!!
I have in my possession BOTH Exhibit "A" AND Exhibit "B"!!!

Permission to approach the bench and stand upon it, your Honor!!!

I wish to address both you AND the court!!

I beseech you Dear Sirs and Madames!!!

Though these SHOCKING Exhibits were discovered only moments ago
in the luggage of newly admitted Mental Patient "Salvador Pasquelez",
I truly believe that he had NO IDEA of their BRAZEN ILLEGALITY!!!

I now wish to address the Jury.

Request Granted.

Thank you.

Dearest Jurors, I ask that you show forgiveness towards Mr. Pasquelez!!!

As his representative, I wish to make it plain that he had
NO IDEA that his CONCEALED EXHIBITS would cause so much anguish!!!

His customs are obviously FAR DIFFERENT then our own!!!

This can be CLEARLY SEEN in BOTH EXHIBITS!!
Particularly "Exhibit A"!!!

I ask that you STRIKE the record, and allow me to KEEP his luggage!!!
I also BESEECH you to let me SELL his "Exhibits" on my webpage!!!

Thank you your HONOR!
Thank you JURY!!!

Your kindness and Wisdom will NOT be forgotten,
by either MYSELF, or Salvador Pasquelez!!!

Asking Price:  More luggage from other people.

Current Bid:   A fertile breeding skirt capable of bearing both kittens and thongs!!!

High Bidder:  Hunding

Date of Bid:  December 8, 2000 at 10:53:53

Make an Offer!

  (Behold! The beautiful low fat Margarine Fly!!!)

This Margarine Fly is not only more beautiful then a Butter Fly, it is also less filling!!!

That is because it has less cholesterol then a Butter Fly!
It also has fewer calories!!!

Because the Margarine Fly is "lighter" than a Butter Fly, it is able to "flap" faster.

Everyone knows that "flap" speed is crucial!!!
Especially you!

Make no mistake!
This is NOT a Butter Fly!!

It is a MARGARINE FLY!!

Butter Fly!
MARGARINE FLY!!
Butter Fly!
MARGARINE FLY!!
Butter Fly!
MARGARINE FLY!!! MARGARINE FLY!!! MARGARINE FLY!!!

See!?
I told you!

Asking Price:  Something that gets rid of Purple Fingertips!

Current Bid:   A Spork.

High Bidder:  the lunchgentleman

Date of Bid:  December 8, 2000 at 02:22:38

Make an Offer!

Doctors have been asking me to GIVE them a sample of my urine for years!!!
Obviously my urine must be VERY VALUABLE!

Why else would they demand a sample of it so often!?!?

As a devote Capitalist, I find the idea of "GIVING" anything to anyone repugnant!
If they want my urine they'll have to BUY IT from me!!
Just like YOU and everybody else!!!

So far, no doctors have offered to pay for my Urine.
Please!!
For the Love of God!!!
Don't make the same mistake!!!

Asking Price:  All the Tea in China.

Current Bid:   My Ex-Wife.  (I feel it would be an even trade).

High Bidder:  Neo1025

Date of Bid:  September 26, 2000 at 18:30:54

Make an Offer!

Halt!
Who goes there!!!???
Where are you going?
How long have you been gone?
Where do you live?
What are you bringing with you?
Were you on a Farm?
Are you bringing any alcohol or tobacco with you?
Did you pack your bags yourself?
Did you let a Farmer pack your bags?
What is your occupation?
What was the purpose of your trip?
Do you plan on visiting a Farm in the next 30 days?
Hypothetically, if you were to visit a Farm, would you spread disease on that Farm?
Did you bring back any contagious Fruit or Cheese covered with diseased insects with you?
Has a Farmer ever coughed on you after eating some infected fruit?
Did you lick any critically ill Farmers while you were gone?
Are you carrying any contaminated fruit in your tainted trousers?
When you plant fruit crops on your Farm, do you ever spit chewed cheese into the soil?
When will you leave again?
Can I stay at your infected Farm the next time you leave?

These are just A FEW of the MANY questions you will be able to ask people
once you buy this wonderful BORDER from me!!!

Until then, PLEASE STEP BACK!
I'm afraid I CANNOT let you into MY COUNTRY!!!

Asking Price:  A Visa to Escapeland.

Current Bid:   A Maxed out Discover card.

High Bidder:  Rutabaga

Date of Bid:  November 16, 2000 at 02:43:33

Make an Offer!

Over the years, little has been written about the "Forbidden City of Po".

That's because all writing about the "Forbidden City of Po" is Strictly Forbidden!!

In fact, it is Forbidden to even MENTION the "Forbidden City of Po"!
The only reason I'm getting away with it, is because I own it!
(Even then, I'm sure I'm going to have ALOT of penalties to pay! )

There are A FEW other things that are Forbidden in this Great Forbidden City!

For Example:

It is Forbidden to Live There!
It is Forbidden to Visit!
It is Forbidden to even Think About Visiting!

Air is Forbidden!
Plant Life is Forbidden!!
All Mammals are Rigorously Forbidden!!

Noise is Forbidden!
Liquid is Forbidden!
Touching ANYTHING is strictly Forbidden!

Other then that, I suppose you can do Anything you want
in this Great "Forbidden City" called Po!!!

(Special Note to Bidders: mentioning this city by name is STRICTLY FORBIDDEN!)

Asking Price:  Zurich.

Current Bid:   The Forbidden City of Poo.

High Bidder:  Mathildus

Date of Bid:   November 14, 2000 at 15:59:30

Make an Offer!

Though not fully baked, this idea is already HALF WAY there!!!
All you have to do is Pop it in the oven and finish it off yourself!!!

Though I'm not 100% sure what I was thinking when I started to bake this idea,
it was probably something very important and useful!!

If you really want to know for sure, why not buy it from me
and complete the process yourself!!!

Imagine the pride you'll feel when the following conversation takes place in your kitchen!!

"MMMMMM! That smells great Honey!!! What are you baking!?"
Oh! It's just one of Mr. Mental Patients half baked ideas!!
"Wow!!! Am I ever a lucky conventional husband!!"

A Half Baked Idea!! Now there's an idea TWICE as good as nothing!!!

Asking Price:  An escaping muffin.

Current Bid:   A half baked college student. (good at making beer runs when the fridge is empty)

High Bidder:   SlackerGTS

Date of Bid:    November 16, 2000 at 15:10:27

Make an Offer!

(Run for shelter!! There's Corn coming!!!!)

Though I originally tried to acquire "The Calm Before the Storm",
I ended up with something FAR MORE SPECTACULAR!!

The Calm Before The Corn!!!

Let's face it, the idea of Corn is a terrifying one!!
Especially if you're living in an area that is not "Corn Free"!

Known for it's unpredictable nature, Corn will strike when you least expect it!!
When it does, it's very important that you keep your wits about you!

Everyone knows that Corn can sense fear!!

That's why it's VERY important that you bid on my "Calm Before The Corn"!!

It could make the difference between  "Being Afraid" and "NOT Being Afraid"
the next time you see Corn!!!

Asking Price:  The Children of the Corn.

Current Bid:   The Cream of the Crop.

High Bidder:   Ms. Brauss

Date of Bid:   November 23, 2000 at 12:58:32

Make an Offer!

The great genius Leonardo Da Vinci rarely gave out autographs!
Not even to his most devoted fans!!
Believe me, I know!

I once waited 3 nights in the pouring rain outside his studio
only to get the cold shoulder and an awkward stare!

That's why when I discovered HIS autograph in MY medical files last night,
I couldn't have been more thrilled!

This Artifact needs to be properly Preserved!
I WILL NOT sell this item to anyone who might EXPLOIT IT!!

(Unless that person happens to be the Highest Bidder!)

Asking Price:  The autograph of a Doctor on my "release papers".

Current Bid:  The hand and arm (only to the elbow) that De Vinci used to sign with.

High Bidder:   Mloc Ydeehs

Date of Bid:   October 23, 2000 at 14:43:08

Make an Offer!

This magnificent Lardberg broke off from the Arctic Lard Mass only months ago!!!
It contains Pure and Pristine Lard tracing back to the Prehistoric era!!!

This is NOT the type of Lard you can buy in stores!
This is a Gigantic floating Chunk of Natural Lard the size of Jamaica!!!

Adrift several miles off the coast of Newfoundland,
this Lardberg will make anyone interested in obtaining
a LARGE quantity of "Pure Ancient Lard that Floats" Very Happy!!

Asking Price:  An ancient floating escape route.

Current Bid:  A naturally occuring slice of buttery goodness suitable for mounting.

High Bidder:  I. Read

Date of Bid:  October 26, 2000 at 10:56:49

Make an Offer!

My recent fashion show in Paris was a HUGE success!
It was wildly applauded by Critics and Fans alike!

And I'm not surprised!

When you're a renowned trend-setter like myself,
you get used to people SWOONING at the site of your clothes!

Though I design exclusively for the "Rich and Privileged",
I have decided to make a limited number of my "ready-to-wear" outfits available to you,
the "Poor and Undeserving Common Person"!!

Constructed entirely of Burlap, these ITCHY garments offer
"Bold Silhouettes" for the "Rugged Mental Patient"!

Whether you are spending a carefree day at "The Ritz",
or a long night in "Solitary Confinement",
these restrictive garments will keep you in style no matter where you go!

Asking Price:  1 pair of Scissors. Must be capable of cutting through very strong fabric!

Current Bid:   My own PERSONAL hairdressing scissors and cape!

High Bidder:  tashmashup

Date of Bid:   November 10, 2000 at 16:49:42

Make an Offer!

Ol' man river.
That ol' man river.
He don't say nothin'
But he must know somethin'
Cause he just keeps rollin'
He just keeps rollin' along!

I recently found Ol' Man River rolling along the 3rd floor hallway of our Mental Institution!
He don't say Nothin' and he just keeps Rollin' Along!!

Asking Price:  Ol' Man Lobster.

Current Bid:   Ol' Grey Mare (but she ain't what she used to be).

High Bidder:   kd_kid

Date of Bid:   September 18, 2000 at 18:22:05

Make an Offer!

In 673 A.D. the "City of Amnesia" accidentally hit itself on the head,
and became Severely Disoriented!!
Not only was it unable to find it's way home, it totally forgot who it was!!

The Lost City of Amnesia couldn't remember much.
All it knew was that IT WAS TOTALLY LOST!!!

Too Embarrassed to ask for directions,
The Lost City of Amnesia wandered aimlessly for the next 12 centuries,
hoping one day to bump into the place where it belonged.

On July 14, 1873 it happened!
The City of Amnesia woke up to find that it was HOME again!!!
An Enormous Party was held!
Giant celebrations erupted in the streets!
People throughout the city rejoiced!!!

Sadly, the morning after the party,
the City of Amnesia awoke only to find it had become totally LOST again!!

Won't you buy the beautiful "Lost City of Amnesia" from me!?
I'm not sure where it is right now,
but the good thing is, Nobody ELSE does either!!!

Asking Price:  A City where Mental Institution Security Guards would get lost.

Current Bid:   The City of Deja Vu. (Hasn't everyone already been there before?  I think I have.)

High Bidder:   The Patient Formerly Known As "Mr. Ed"

Date of Bid:   October 9, 2000 at 12:26:34

Make an Offer!

Want to turn your neighbors Green with Envy!?

Well, when when you buy GREENLAND from me, you won't have to!
They'll be GREEN already!!!!

That's because EVERYTHING is GREEN in Greenland!!

The People are Green!
The Buildings are Green!
The Sky, Ground, and Water are also Green!!!

Even the color Blue is GREEN in Greenland!!!

Isn't that amazing!?!?

Wait! There's more!!
There are NO illegal immigrants in Greenland,
because EVERYONE already has their Green Card!

Buy Greenland from me now!!
It's the country where the Grass is NEVER Greener on the OTHER SIDE of the Fence!!!

(Important Note: The phrase "Eat your Greens" is frowned upon in Greenland.)

Asking Price:  Escapeland.

Current Bid:   Lightbrownland! nobody will know the difference!

High Bidder:  Grand Pubaa of Lightbrownland

Date of Bid:  September 18, 2000 at 23:35:51

Make an Offer!

Too much TIME on your Hands!?!?
Believe me! I can relate!!

My hands have been FILTHY with Time ever since I acquired 12:17p.m.!!

I tried Scrubbing away the Time!
I tried Picking at it!
I even tried taking a Bath at the Speed of Light!!!

STILL, Nothing seemed to work!!!

Repulsively, Time just kept "Ticking and Tocking" right in my VERY HANDS!!

Some of it even dripped onto my shoes!
This left me with TOO MUCH TIME ON MY FEET!

If you currently have Too Much TIME on your hands (or feet),
I highly recommend my newly developed "TIME REMOVING SOAP"!

Fortified with Time Reducing Vitamins,
this Soap will leave your entire body ABSOLUTELY TIMELESS!!

"Time Removing Soap! Isn't it ABOUT TIME you got the TIME OUT!?!?"

Asking Price:  A soap that can remove thick metal bars.

Current Bid:   A soap that's very much like soup.

High Bidder:   TrueNorth

Date of Bid:   July 25, 2000 at 12:46:40

Make an Offer!

Before discovering his life saving "Heimlich Maneuver",
Dr. Henry Heimlich invented a number of Other Methods to assist Distressed Individuals.

I recently acquired One of these lesser known "Heimlich Body Movements"!

It's called "The Heimlich Kanoodle".
It consists of clearing a persons Stuffed Nose by inserting your fingers
into the afflicted person's nostrils and twirling about like a Windmill!!!

Believe me!  The Heimlich Kanoodle REALLY works!
NOT ONE person I've EVER tried it on has come back in need of another treatment!!!

Asking Price:  The "Heimlich Escape Wiggle".

Current Bid:   The "HEMLOCK Maneuver"! (Good for choking after seeing the prices of your Mugs!!!)

High Bidder:  LastManStanding

Date of Bid:  October 26, 2000 at 14:36:08

Make an Offer!