THE POLYNESIAN ISLAND OF TOFU!!!

I recently discovered the Polynesian Island of Tofu while exploring
the "Continental Shelf" of our Cafeteria!!!

It is a beautiful Island that looks and feels just like a regular Polynesian Island
BUT with only 1/10th the Taste!!!

It also has the added benefit of being Bland and Wiggly!!!

After thoroughly exploring the "Island of Tofu" with my "Pointy Pencil",
I heroically mounted my FLAG, and claimed it as part of my "Territories"!!

"Long Live the Polynesian Island of Tofu!!!"
"May it sell quickly to the Highest Bidder!!!"

Asking Price:  The Polynesian Island of "Hip Hip Hurray"!!!

Current Bid:  (New on Market)

High Bidder:

Make an Offer!

My KNEE is currently VERY VERY ITCHY!!
In fact, the ITCHINESS in my Knee is EXTREMELY SEVERE!!!

Despite this PROFOUND ITCHINESS,
I promise not to scratch my Knee until it is SOLD!!!

This way, I can pass on my ITCHINESS to YOU: The ITCHY KNEE Connoisseur!!!

Why is my Knee SO ITCHY!?

Because Real Live PEEPERS are crawling inside of it!!

What are Peepers you ask!?

Please!!! Enough of your questions!!!
Buy my Itchy Knee and find out for yourself!!!

Asking Price:  A Bottle of Peeper Preventer.

Current Bid:  Authentic itchy kneepads (only used once, in Oval Office)

High Bidder:  MtBikerMike

Date of Bid:  December 8, 2000 at 10:55:33

Make an Offer!

(The 9 Brothers MacMullan, including Raphael, who is pictured in the middle.)

Known Worldwide for their LUXURIOUS Heads of Hair,
the Brothers MacMullan are BOTH "Highly Desirable" and "Unusual Smelling"!!

I am currently selling ALL NINE siblings to the Highest Bidder!!

Naturally, this offer includes FIGGIS, RUMPY, and STOOPY!!!

Absolutely NO MacMullan Brothers are being spared in this incredible offer!!!

Even RAFFY, and PINKY, and FLEEGLE are included in this deal!!!

Not ONE MacMullan Brother has been left out of this amazing offer!!!
Not even POSSUM or MOOPY!!!

Hurry now!!
Take advantage of this RARE opportunity to acquire the ENTIRE set of the Nine Brothers MacMullan!!*

You'll be glad when you do!!!

Note: *This offer DOES NOT include Raphael, the Ninth and Grandest of all Brothers MacMullan...

Asking Price:  A Golden Comb for Raphael MacMullan.

Current Bid:   A genuine reproduction of the golden fleece.

High Bidder:   catwerk

Date of Bid:    December 8, 2000 at 19:44:19

Make an Offer!

I knew a man Bojangles and he danced for you,
In worn out shoes.
With silver hair a ragged shirt and baggy pants
The old soft shoe.
He jumped so high, jumped so high,
Then he'd lightly touch down.

Mr. Bojangles,
Mr. Bojangles,
Mr. Bojangles,
dance.

Asking Price:  A roommate that knows how to dance AND escape!

Current Bid:   Mikhial Brayshnikov.

High Bidder:   Mother Nature

Date of Bid:   November 27, 2000 at 20:55:01

Make an Offer!

Though they have been stranded on a Desert Island for over 14 years,
The "Swiss Family Robin Hood" always manage to find time to
"Steal from the Rich and give to the Poor"!!

This is VERY noble of them!!

Sadly, the "Swiss Family Robin Hood" are the ONLY people on this Island!!

Consequently, they spend a great deal of time Stealing from THEMSELVES!!

Hey!!
DON'T MISS OUT ON THIS ACTION!!!

If you buy the "Swiss Family Robin Hood" from me right now,
I'll throw in permission to Steal from them as well!!!

Asking Price:  The Swiss Family Rumpilstilskin.

Current Bid:   A family made of Swiss Cheese.

High Bidder:   Old St. Nick

Date of Bid:    December 8, 2000 at 17:41:50

Make an Offer!

According to a recent study I conducted in our Cafeteria,
the DONUT LAYER surrounding our planet has formed a HOLE!!!

Obviously our civilization is at great risk!!!
No longer can we depend on the MIGHTY DONUT to protect us from the Sun's radiation!!

Please!!!
Do not panic!!!
It is NOT too late to save our planet!!!

All you have to do is buy the Hole in the Donut Layer from me!!

It may not solve ALL of our problems, but it will be a VERY GOOD START!!!

Hurry!
The Hole in the Donut Layer is growing with EVERY BITE!!!

Asking Price:  A Hole in the Solitary Confinement Chamber.

Current Bid:   A bagful of lifesaver's holes! imagine all those holes!

High Bidder:   greenbean

Date of Bid:   November 29, 2000 at 12:14:41

Make an Offer!

The Phantom of the Opera is the most Tormented Phantom I have ever met!
Yet this does not stop him from singing!

In fact he sings from Dawn until Dusk!

I can't tell you how often I have woken up in the middle of the night
only to find the Phantom of the Opera singing right in my bed!

Sadly, Officials here at the Mental Institution have requested
that I sell The Phantom of the Opera  immediately!

Apparently his Loud Booming Voice is too Beautiful for them to bear!

Asking Price:  The Phantom of the Red Lobster.

Current Bid:   a freakin laser beam!

High Bidder:   benski

Date of Bid:    December 5, 2000 at 19:43:15

Make an Offer!

Are you TIRED of not getting enough NAPS!?
Do you sometimes wish you could take a NAP without anyone knowing about it!?!?

Well, why not buy my "Nap Sack" from me!?!?

It's the perfect way to Nap WHEREVER and WHENEVER you want!!!

Simply place the Nap Sack over your head and take a Nap!!

IT'S THAT EASY!!!

Designed from a "Snore Proof" Sack found in the Garbage Bin of our Cafeteria**,
this Nap Sack has a patented "Hand drawn face" SO REALISTIC,
people will be CONVINCED you are WIDE AWAKE!!!!

It's cosey interior allows you to breath easily for up to 12 minutes!!!

That's PLENTY of time to take a good NAP!!

If you're looking for a method to take comfortable and unseen NAPS,
then I truly believe this is the product for you!!!!

**The Nap Sack smells quite strongly of Tuna. This allows the wearer to "stay awake" for most of the Nap,
thereby preventing any "deep sleep" or "Snoring"!!

Asking Price:  An Escape Sack.

Current Bid:   Lance Logan, The Clambassador of Antlantis.

High Bidder:   Stef? Fri?iksson

Date of Bid:   November 27, 2000 at 02:58:16

Make an Offer!

This Swan has been singing the SAME SONG ever since it was a Duckling!!

It goes a bit like this:

Kah!! Kah!! Kah!! Geeble Geeble. Kah!! Kah!! Kah!!!"

The Swan would like to sell this Song to the Highest Bidder!

There is NOTHING wrong with this song!!!

Though the melody is off key, the lyrics are wrought with meaning!!!!

Also, it is a VERY catchy song!!!

The Swan just feels that it's time to change it's tune.

Also, the Swan is moving to a region where singing is forbidden.

If you are the lucky High Bidder,
this Swan Song might be the LAST SONG you'll ever need!

Asking Price:  a Swan Sarong.

Current Bid:   Swanson's TV dinner (mashed potatoes removed).

High Bidder:   Hunding

Date of Bid:    November 30, 2000 at 12:46:45

Make an Offer!

Recently "discovered" on the Cafeteria floor.  Must be tasted to be appreciated!

Hoka Hey! Hoka Hey!!

Asking Price: Key to front door of Institution.

Current Bid: keys to doctor's medicine drawer!

High Bidder:  greenbean

Date of Bid:  November 23, 2000 at 03:16:33

Make an Offer!

"You're It!"
"No. YOU'RE It!
"I touched you last!"
"No. I touched YOU last!
"You're It!"
"No. YOU'RE It!"

Members of the "Your It" tribe have been living peacefully
on the banks of the "I-Touched-You-Last" River since the Dawn of Time!!

Their tribal name comes from the exotic spiritual ceremony they perform
during ALL their waking hours called "You're It"!

"You're It!"
"No. YOU'RE it!
"I touched you last!"
"No you didn't! I touched YOU last!"

At one time there were over 7000 members of the "You're It" tribe.

Tragically, one by one, they've been banished into the wilderness
as a result of being declared "It".

There are only 2 surviving members left.
I own both of them!

Their names are Edward and Malcolm.

Who will be the last "It"?

Only the person who buys this tribe from me will ever know for sure!!!

Asking Price:  All surviving members of the "I'm Free!" tribe.

Current Bid:   One well preserved Ignario. (His head is still on backwards!)

High Bidder:  Lalita Evita

Date of Bid:   November 29, 2000 at 19:58:21

Make an Offer!

In some countries he's known as "Mr. Pushy"!
In others, he's called "El Strongo Diablo"!
In my country, he's known simply as "The Man All Must Obey"!

Don't be fooled by his lack of hands, feet, neck, and face!!
This is one Powerful Man!
Everyone on Earth must OBEY HIM!

He has instructed me to sell him.
Who am I to argue!?!?

Asking Price:  A Donut filled with grape jelly and the key to my room.

Current Bid:   Mount Everest. *(This bid came with a VERY funny photo. Trust me.)

High Bidder:  Rich

Date of Bid:  October 26, 2000 at 12:03:40

Make an Offer!

"Remember the Alamo! Remember the Alamo!"
That's what everyone always tells you to do!

But who hasn't come home after a long day at work,
and mistakenly forgotten the Alamo for a moment or two!?

Don't be upset! It happens to the best of us!
After all, it takes alot of concentration to remember the Alamo 24 hours a day!

Sometimes you just have to spend some time thinking about yourself for a change!

But still. It's embarrassing not to remember The Alamo!

That's why I propose that you buy this Historic Landmark from me!
That way you'll never forget to remember The Alamo again!

Asking Price:  An invisible Covered Wagon pulled by 6 transparent horses.

Current Bid:  5 used rental cars.

High Bidder:  SeldomSeen

Date of Bid:  November 27, 2000 at 14:20:38

Make an Offer!

This young boy was born with a rare disease called "Carrot-Nose".

He was placed in a Bubble shortly after birth to protect his face from wayward Rabbits!

He can never leave his Bubble!  He would risk certain Nose Consumption!

"Bubble Boy" also suffers from "Raisin Lips".

Oh Dear Lord!!!!
Why do these terrible things ALWAYS happen to the young and innocent!!!!!????

I rescued "Bubble Boy" from our game room last Christmas.
He had been left on the mantle piece Unattended and Sadly Neglected for over 2 days!

"Bubble Boy" has been like a son to me,
but due to my hectic schedule as a Mental Patient,
I am no longer able to give him the attention he so greatly needs.

I PLEAD WITH YOU!!!
Won't you PLEASE give poor "Bubble Boy" a home!?!?

All I'm asking for is a Jungle Nation rich in Natural Resources!!

Asking Price:  A jungle nation rich in natural resources.

Current Bid:   Bubble Girl.

High Bidder:  HAWK

Date of Bid:  November 16, 2000 at 18:22:05

Make an Offer!

When I was young, My parents brought me on a trip to a place that began with the letter M!

Oh Boy! Was that ever a fun trip!

My memories of that place are SO crystal clear, I can practically see right through them!

I remember we were all in a car together and the car was going quite fast!!
Then the car stopped and we saw a THING!

Boy! It seems as though it were only YESTERDAY!!

There was a BIG line-up to see that THING, and I threw up while we we're waiting in it.

You could say my trip to this place  was very educational!
I sure learned alot from that thing we saw!

If you want to get away for the summer, but can't afford to travel,
why not buy my "Memories of a place that probably begins with the letter M" from me!?!?!

They're so vivid, it'll be like traveling there yourself!!!!

*Note: There's a small chance "The place that begins with the letter M" actually begins with a C. I'm pretty sure it's an M though.

Asking Price:  Memories of an Escape Route.

Current Bid:   Nightmares from a scorching hot place starting with "h"!

High Bidder:  Kaide

Date of Bid:  November 23, 2000 at 18:44:05

Make an Offer!

Let's face it, Photographs don't lie!!

That's why I was So Amazed when I found this picture of Dr. Starkowitz in his Garbage Pail!
It's LEGAL PROOF that he only has HALF A HEAD!!!

I've examined this picture over and over since discovering it last night!
I've even looked at it "under a light bulb"!
Every time I do, the same results come pouring in!
"This man has only Half a Head!!!" (these are Actual Results!)

Though I've always had my doubts about Dr. Starkowitz's head,
I never realized the EXTENT to which parts of it DID NOT EXIST!
(That extent is now 50% of his head).

I apologize to all of Dr. Starkowitz's Friends, Relatives, and Patients!
I know many of you previously believed he was a "Full Headed" Person.

Sadly, as you can plainly see, this is NOT the case!
I know how disorienting the truth must make you feel!

On the Bright Side however,
I've officially changed his name to "HALF HEAD STARKOWITZ"
and am now OFFERING HIM UP FOR SALE!

Asking Price:  Half of a Magic Wand. (must be the magic half).

Current Bid:   The left half of my face. (I'm a righty, what the heck do I need it for!?)

High Bidder:  Tim Sutton

Date of Bid:  October 24, 2000 at 11:58:52

Make an Offer!

I know you can't see her in this photograph, but you'll just have to trust me. She's there all right!!

This little girl can turn 100% invisible any time she wants!

One minute she's right in front of you--the next, she's completely vanished!!!

Truly one of the most spectacular phenomena's I've ever witnessed!!
Where is she now!? I don't even know!!!

Perfect for those looking to add an invisible girl to their household!

Asking Price:  A secret passage way to the "Red Lobster" off Highway 421. (plus 1 lobster dinner).

Current Bid:   My first born Invisible son.

High Bidder:  Invisible Mom

Date of Bid:  November 2, 2000 at 12:41:13

Make an Offer!

These Memo's are a Mouth Watering dish NATIVE to our Mental Institution!
They're Fresh, they're Succulent, and they're Extremely Delicious!

I bet you can't eat just one!!

Their rich, moist flavor literally MELTS right in your mouth!!!
You don't even have to chew on them to taste their Natural Goodness!

Don't bother counting the Calories!
Don't worry about the Cholesterol!

These Memo's are an Indulgence NO ONE should be ashamed to enjoy!
Just go for a brisk walk afterwards to work off any excess fat you might have built up.
(I suggest an hour of furious pacing.)

Oven Roasted, using only the finest ingredients, these succulent Memo Slices
are a tasty, nutritious meal your whole family will devour with delight!

Please!!!
Buy these Delicious Memo's from me before I eat them all myself!!!

Asking Price:  A succulent slice of freedom.

Current Bid:   Agendas from totally useless meetings pertaining to when meetings should take place.

High Bidder:  Dave, alien refuse

Date of Bid:  September 26, 2000 at 13:13:11

Make an Offer!

"Mother-of-Pearl" is the most sought after decorative finish the world has ever seen!

That's because most people have never met HER mother,
"Mother-of-Mother-of-Pearl"!

"Mother-of-Mother-of-Pearl" is Everything  that "Mother-of-Pearl" is and MORE!

Besides reflecting light iridescently through her hard, yet fragile surface,
"Mother-of-Mother-of-Pearl" can ALSO cook delicious spaghetti!!

This is something her daughter, "Mother-of-Pearl", CAN NOT do!!

"Mother-of-Mother-of-Pearl" also greatly ENJOYS cleaning!

"Mother-of-Pearl" DOES NOT enjoy housework of any type!
She would rather "laze about" as inlay on an ebony coffee table!

If you're in the market for some "Mother-of-Pearl",  please consider buying
Pearl's Grandmother, "Mother-of-Mother-of-Pearl" from me!!!

"She's just as Beautiful, and twice as Useful!!!"

Asking Price:  The Father of Father Time.

Current Bid:   Mother of Minnie Pearl.

High Bidder:   Sampo

Date of Bid:   November 7, 2000 at 08:12:07

Make an Offer!

The Humming Trees of Everhum Forest are truly a Sight to Behold!!!
They are also a Noise to Belisten!!!

They go like this:

Huuummmmcracklemmmmmmmmcracklemmmmmmzapmmmmcracklemmmm!!!!

You can hear their beautiful Humming Noises from MILES away!!!

Even in your solitary confinement chamber late at night when you're trying to sleep!!!

Humming is the way these mighty Trees communicate!!!

Roughly translated, this is what the Humming Trees are saying to each other:

"I hope someone buys us from Mr. Mental Patient!!!
Also, let's hope that the lucky High Bidder relocates us somewhere far far away!!!"

Well, the Humming Trees of Everhum Forest have clearly spoken.
Or hummed as the case may be.

The rest is up to you!!!
Do you want them!?

Yes!!!
You do!!!

Asking Price:  A set of Ear Plugs.

Current Bid:  Sherwood Forest.

High Bidder:  Ian Chapman

Date of Bid:  November 16, 2000 at 10:06:29

Make an Offer!

In an agreement made with Father Time, I now own the worldwide rights to 12:17 p.m.!!

As far as minutes go, it's one of the best!
Perfect for lunch but also great with dinner,
12:17p.m. is the minute that keeps on "giving"!

If you're the type of person  "without a minute to spare",
then 12:17p.m. is the minute for you!

12:17 p.m.
"It may only happen once a day, but when it does, OH BOY!"

Asking Price: A moment of freedom (preferably two decades in length).

Current Bid:  "The Nick of Time".

High Bidder:  Andrew Warren

Date of Bid:  November 27, 2000 at 22:12:32

Make an Offer!

According to Legend, All who wear this MASK will experience Everlasting Joy!!

All I know for certain is this:

Every time I wear this mask into the Cafeteria, I never have a problem finding a seat!
Even when it's VERY crowded!

If that's not reason for experiencing Everlastng Joy, I don't know what is!!

Asking Price:  A Flying Carpet (standard shift and low mileage preferred).

Current Bid:   A real metal head head. (if u get my meaning!)

High Bidder:   punkmosha182

Date of Bid:   November 21, 2000 at 21:39:39

Make an Offer!

Kaiser Von Strauss was once considered the most popular Kaiser in the world!

Even today he still ranks in the Top 50!!!  (Currently holding steady at #37 on the Kaiser Charts).

Though he has shrunk with age, Kaiser Von Strauss still knows how to attract attention!

Just tap loudly on his "helmet" as many times as you can,
and watch all the "Front Office People" come running to see him!!

You'll begin to envy the magnetic charm this former great Kaiser still possesses!

(Note: Tapping his helmet 145 times in a row has recently become grounds for solitary confinement).

Asking Price:  A Key that will unlock my Solitary Confinement chamber.

Current Bid:   My ex's purple helmeted warrior!

High Bidder:  Sarah

Date of Bid:  December 5, 2000 21:45:12

Make an Offer!

Mr. Ricardo is a Spanish speaking gentleman!

Mr. Ricardo works here at the "Institution".

He is of Medium Build, Orange of face, and alert at all times!!

His main responsibilities include:

1) "Keeping an eye out on the Front Door"
2) "Watching us at all times"!
3) "Making sure no one escapes"

He is very well groomed. He is polite.  He does not understand a single word of English.
Though he is mostly Orange, he sometimes turns Red with anger.

Asking Price:  A ladder and a "Window Opener".

Current Bid:   Mr. Macho Mariachi y Dos Tostitos Corn Chips y El Toro Loco!

High Bidder:  Michelle Sakayama

Date of Bid:  November 16, 2000 21:45:09

Make an Offer!